Mera birthday!

This day marks the beginning of a new year in my life.

December 3 has always been special to me; it always gives me that hope to start things over and believe that this is going to be a better and a new year.

The year from Dec 03, 2011 to Dec 03, 2012 has been a little tricky one. Good at times and no not bad but weird at times, difficult for me to interpret at times.

When the time was complicated and things weren’t moving in the direction I wanted it to there was only one thing that stayed constant which is my beloved family and a handful of friends, people who give me strength to move forward, and who stand by me in difficult times.

I know I haven’t thanked them ever and have never expressed my feelings in a more vocal way, so since it’s my Blog I think I can thank them individually for being there with me right away.

1. My Parents: - You are THE BEST and there is no other set that can compete with you, ever. Thank you for being so good and being the way you are and the way you have held my hand through all the ups and downs, and the way you have belived in me & never giving up on me.

2. My Brother: - No matter how many fights we may have and how many times we swear to kill each other but just by knowing the fact that you are around is a comfort in itself. You are exactly how a brother is supposed to be stupid & irritating.J

3. My eldest sister: - You are always there to protect me from the wrath of the world. Even after the age gap that we have you have always treated me as a mature person and has always shown respect towards the choices that I make.

4. My elder sister: - The word Survivor has been defined by you.  Your attitude of 'Never say Never' is awe inspiring. It gives me hope to move forward and face life head on.

5. My not so elder sister: - You are my rock and even amidst your baby sister attitude towards me and your fights over childish stuff life gets easy when you are around

6. My Cousin Pankaj: My partner in crime, you are my friend before being my brother. Love you and your silliness.

7. My friend Ruhi: - I am sure your ears must be bleeding by now (you know for what reasons precisely) Thank you for your love and care. You are family for me.

8. My childhood Friend Elle: - Someone who keeps me grounded, who is always on my side no matter how wrong I am.

Thank you all for always being there with me and showing me the path.

Truly said "When all else fails there is family"

Well “Happy birthday to me”

 
You all know the address so gifts in all forms are welcome

Narcissist in Me

More often then not I have been accused of being a narcissist. In exact clear words of my near and dear ones “I am someone who is in love with herself for no evident reason".

Well if you look at me by my eyes you will see there is absolutely nothing that you wouldn’t love me for... hard to accept but it’s true J

OK firstly coming to the meaning of the word NARCISSIST .In everyday speech, "narcissism" often means egoism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. I am sure selfish part isn’t applicable to me though self-love, egoism, vanity, conceit are more or less applicable. 

I’ll start by sharing a very interesting incident. My Behavioral Science teacher once asked my class “How you ever had a coffee with yourself”. When no one in the class said ‘yes’, she asked everyone to go and try it once to experience the joy of your own company. I joked with my friends and we came to a unanimous decision that she has gone crazy. Who wants to go ,sit in a café , act like a moron and have a coffee all alone (without the prospect of any date in the picture) ?

The fact is if you don’t love yourself enough you are on the path to stagger. You never know you might be on the wrong track; you might be deluded by that someone who thinks he/she can love you more than you love yourself.

I would agree to disagree with myself over here .That’s really not the case with us.

Had we not loved our self enough we wouldn’t have come out of that bad relation we were stuck in for so long. We wouldn’t have quit on those friends who were not really there for us. We wouldn’t have given up that job where our love for our own self was getting lesser. And particularly in my case I wouldn’t have quit on that greasy food which was just getting me fatter and I wouldn’t have got up in the morning to work out for that fab fab body.

Truth is we all are victims of narcissism. Few are better at hiding it for their lone times and few like me don’t give a damn , who look at mirror and smile at themselves, who irritate their cousins to keep on clicking them till that perfect shot is achieved.

For me it’s the power to keep going. It’s the push to do things for your self. It’s the handle to be there for your loved ones.  Lastly remember no one loves you more than yourselves. Well your parents might ... but they are bound to, they don’t really have a choice.

Coming to that prim and proper look I already told you in my previous Blog we aren’t promised tomorrow so if it’s my last day I don’t want to die thinking my hair weren’t right or my kohl could have been better or I could have worn a better top.

There is one particular lady whose words justify everything for me.

“I don't understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little - if only out of politeness. And then, you never know, maybe that's the day she has a date with destiny. And it's best to be as pretty as possible for destiny.”

Coco Chanel

Let that narcissist in you let loose and enjoy your own company today. Go and have that cup of coffee alone in a cafe and trust me you would actually love it. It might be the best coffee you have (provided there is a cutie on the next table... LOL)

P.S. -- I don't mean you to love yourself to that point of developing a psychological condition.

Oh!! don't worry about me though... I have my near and dear ones to keep a check on myself. And I know your affection for me being a narcissist increased just a little bit more.

Why are we born?

Scene 1: I got highest marks in my class "I am so happy to be born, I love everyone around me"

Scene 2: I flunked in a class test: "Why was I even born?? What’s the point in living?"

Scene 3: The day I got admission in college "Whoa! I think I am born to lead the world"

Scene 4: The day I got ragged in the college "I don’t get the point of being born in this world"

Scene 5: The day I got placed " I am so happy to be born, Corporate here I come!!"

Scene 6: The day I had a break up “WTF!! Why was I even born at first place? I hate everyone around me. I wish the world comes to an end"

The above scenes are just glimpses of almost everyone’s life (barring those brilliant ones who have control over their emotions). I am few of those who never take control of their emotions and live in extremities.

The question however is 'Why exactly are we born?' This particular question has baffled me for a longer time then I can remember. The day something good or bad happens in my life I am either happy for taking birth or I question my very point of existence and on the usual uneventful days I don't really care about this rhetorical question.

I haven't been able to come up with an answer that could help me understand or give me a small window to at least try and understand the enigma called "Life".

Alfred asked Bruce Wayne very candidly and replied for him too "Why do we fall, sir??? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up”. 
I sometimes just hope there was some Alfred who could answer my question in same ways and in a simple line.

However, the recent developments have forced me to stand back and ponder over few things in life. My close friend's brother (all of 25) is diagnosed with blood cancer. This revelation has shaken everyone around. I recall the day, right before the day blood test reports came out. Me and my friend were standing at a nearby joint 'OM sweets' and were chit-chatting about our future, the day when we would be able to actually do things which we always wanted to do, not crib about our present jobs and specifically I could spend at least one day without uttering the line "I hate my boss and my job".  

Since the day the test results came out my friend  no longer cribs about her job, she talks about life and how she sometimes wish what if the world would have stopped on the day when we were happy cribbing about our jobs? 

This change in events had forced me to toy with the idea of finally doing what I always wanted to do. It was a hard task to equate between heart and mind and in this tussle I stumbled on to my question's answer. 

So if someone asks me "Why are we born?" my answer is simple "To enjoy our today; there is no promised tomorrow" 

Have you thought about your answer yet? 

Why are we not fighting enough???

Every morning I pick up the paper and all I read is someone or the other had committed suicide. There is nothing different about those people who are comitting suicde but the point is why? And for what reason is the suicide rate rising so high ? Or was the sucide rate earlier also this high but just because of media the sucide news is covered on a larger scale now a days .

The only thought that crosses my mind after reading these news is "What a Selfish moron!!" .When I say self fish I mean it. How can cirucmstances be so so so bad that you give extra value to those cirucmstances and not to your self and not to the loved ones around you ; the people who love you no matter what , who stand beside you even in the dullest of hours . How can one just abandon them like that and leave the world so selfishly? Why are people not fighting enough to live?

The most disturbing news that I read was when the mother of a 2 year old mentally challenged kid committed suicide after an argument with her husband. I still can't get over this news. Was it not bad enough for the child to have mental sickness that now he has to struggle through the life without his mother and on the mercy of strangers. Is this how a mother is supposed to be?

If people start dying of just bad circumstances (which are eventually bound to change) then I believe we wouldn't have any one by the name of  Amitabh Bachhan or Sanjay Dutt or Salman Khan or Abraham Lincoln or Albert Einstein or William Shakespeare or even me ( Yes I would like to add my name to the list too)

Wake up and smell the coffee .. look at the brighter picture . We have examples of heroes all around us. The guys who apperard on Satyamavejayte whose childhood was spoiled by his own uncle , yet he stands tall in society and tells everyone to take care of their kids . He has the courage to say "I have gone through hell, I wouldn't want anyone else to go through it."  He really is a hero for me ,not only did he survive through the entire ordeal but overcame it as well.

 Havent we all faced such  situations in our lives where nothing seemed to work for us but still that will, that belief 'things are going to be alright at the end'. A major point to be noted is no matter how bad a breakup is, How bad a job is, How bad a parent is or How bad a child is. I believe things will change, situations will improve  just have that trust in your self.

ciao
P.S. -- I will live because I havent traveled the world enough ,I haven't lived the life enough, I haven't loved the people enough.

I am What I am

An open letter to someone who is a survivor !!!

After sulking for days ..no for months,  after blaming almost everyone around me- my family, my friends , my colleagues, my superiors, my education, my teachers, this country , the value system, ignorance. Point is after  sulking , throwing tantrums and blaming everything around me or everyone around me I think its time to finally stand up and own up the things.

A messed up professional life and then a little more messed up personal life. I peered into the mirror and found a tall & a fat gal looking back at me. This was not me. I always knew how I would look at a certain time peroid of my life and the person looking back at me isnt the one I envisioned .This can't be me. 

Wait this is me !!!!! But how can it be me? I just don't know where did i get lost? where did I loose that vision ? and most importantly when did I loose that vision?

I have always known what did I want for myself. I might sound too much vain but I have always had that picture in my mind. I remember right from a young age I always wanted to be tall girl and believe it or not I had worked towards it. With my limited knowledge of how ur genes effect your height  I just focussed on what can help me to be tall. I searched in books and on inetrnet and was glad to find out that playing games and hanging bars helps you to gain height. Once I knew what I had to do. I just did it . Whenever I would go to park I made sure that I would always hang on the hanging bars .I became part of my school's volley ball team., I would play badminton with my dad and without a fail  I would play basketball with my classmates in games period . Thanks to my genes and the effort that I had put in  I was the tallest girl in my school my engineering class and even in my PG class. I just love the attention  I get just because of my height.

I always wanted to dance but then there was that person inside me who would always hold me back ,who wouldnt let me dance even in front of my family members & relatives.  I looked at mirror and found a timid girl looking back at me then and there I promised myself from now on there is not going to be any more inhibitions about dancing. I am going to dance, not in a closed room in front of a mirror but on a stage in front of audience. Encouraged by my sister and my niece I started with my Kathak classes. I am a dancer today though not a renowned one not an excellent one but a dancer nonetheless. I have performed on stage and more likely to perform in future as well. I like it when people come and congratulate me on my dressing, on my expresssion but more importantly on my dance and he way they say "if only they had it in them and could move their feet on the tunes".

I wasnt a car driving person I never was but (scroll down for journey to be a driver) it was again a  Tête-à-tête with my mirror which helped me. I envisioned myself driving myself to work and anywhere I wanted to be. I am proud as hell to say Yes I am a driver and keep your cars away from me because  i might just drive it away..

Since my teenagae my dad wanted me to have braces which I never had . My siblings made fun of my smile in front of my niece. I was tear stricken like always I went up to the mirror in my room and I jut told myself irrespective of the age  I am going to have that perfect smile from now on.. I got braces after my PG was completed and I went through a lot of pain but today when people come and compliment me on my perfect smile . I just smile back ...whats more to do? :))

Now today when I look at mirror I see a girl whose overweight , who is a little disillusioned, who doesn't want to believe in certain things or certain people  but I have  a picture in my mind. I know I will be there not for others but for me. I want to look at the mirror in the eyes of that girl looking back at me and telling her "I am proud of you and I am what I wanted myself to be."

Think about your own mirror and get started!!!!! 

You know you have it in you and 

you know you will be through 

lets just do it!!!

Ciao

Deepti

And I learnt to Drive....

I was meeting my college friends after a long time and they asked me the same question..."You still have wagon R?? Girl  u really love your car!!". I looked back at my Golden Wagon R nd smiled at it, the meaning of which only my car could  understand .

Going back in time ..I was in class 11 and my mum asked me to learn driving so that by the time i would have a proper license i would know how to drive properly. All geared up and enthusiastic I went to motor driving school and enrolled myself ,to top it all my brother who was in class 9 also enrolled with me. I thought the more the merrier and I wouldn't be bored. I remember that night before going to bed all i could think of -- how  cool would it be to go to college driving your own car(which never happened).

The next morning as soon as the clock stuck 6 i was all ready for my class at 6:30. To my surprisse i wasnt aware of the term sibling rivalry.. jealousy..envy... till that time.. it was only when my class ended at 7:00 and my brother's class started at 7:00  I learnt the meaning of all the before mentioned words(will come up to their definition in a short while)

On first day we were just acquainted with what is ABC in a car and how to start your car in first gear and leave the clutch slowly.When i tried doing it for the first time.. i couldn't do it.. i just couldn't do it ...the car would keep on getting switched off. My instructor said "Its ok.. it happens everytime a student takes the car in their hands for the first time" .

On Second day also I still couldn't do it . As soon as the watch showed 7 I was more then happy that the ordeal was finally over and now i can relax and sit on the back seat while just like me my brother would now embarrass himself. As soon as my brother sat on the driver's seat "Broom" and he moved the car very smoothly and changed the gears as well . I was so envious of him i so wanted to do the same-thing yet I couldn't do it.It was the third day in class and to my dismay I still couldn't move the car in first gear... that damn car would just keep on getting off and off and still not move, to top it all my brother who now thought of himself as some PRO in driving was giving me more instruction from the back seat then the instructor himself and he gave that mocking laughter in between . I remember wanting to tear of the clutch and just beat the car with hammer. I now knew the meaning of the word jealousy very clearly.

Needless to add the same thing continued till the end of fifteen days the outcome being my BRO became a PRO and i just managed to pick up the car in first gear. The term sibling rivalry in driving had a new meaning from that day on-wards. I tried to learn driving car one more time but I just didn't believe that I can drive a car at all I just gave it up . See the thing was because of the failure to drive car I never asked my dad to drop me anywhere... I showed it to him I manage very well without driving a stupid car and life is much easier with a scooty but deep within I so wanted to drive a car.

The real problem came when my sister got married and I had to depend on my brother for transportation. My brother sometimes sweetly and sometimes angrily would drop me and pick me from all the places  One day I had a major fight with my brother and he told me "you are so useless and spineless... if you want to go anywhere just take the keys and go. Don't bother me "

I felt helpless and furious at the same time. I just picked up the car keys and sat inside my Wagon -R. I cried nonstop and told the car.. from now on I am going to drive you and now you are going to listen to me. To my surprise more out of impulse I just pushed in the keys and started the car.. I pushed it in first gear and voila my car was moving... I was driving at a speed of 20km/h and I heard my car (or myself) say just increase the speed a little bit more... and I did and it was all right. In some strange ways my car was talking to  myself and giving me all the directions. That was the day I connected with my car and  fell in love with it.

I again enrolled myself at a driving school but this time i was driving the car perfectly  from day 1 and My instructor just kept on telling me "Madam you already know how to drive a car, why are you learning it again". My point of going to driving school was just to give my parents that safety net and to learn driving a car so that I don't do any mishap with my Wagon R.

My wagon R took a lot of scratches on itself and helped me learn driving . It also helped me understand two things one your siblings really do want best for you(hard to believe though... but it is only and only coz of my bro  i know driving lol) and secondly its OK to fall and get up fall and get up just don't give up.

To me Wagon- R isn't just a car she is more like a friend... I have attended a lot of parties with it on my side. I have joined my jobs and in some cases quit along with the help of my wagon R ... I have gone on quite a lot of dates coz of my wagon R(I hope my bro doesn't read it)...Like a true friend it has heard my heartbroken cries and shared my infectious laughter. Iit has been a victim of my anger and a partner in lot of crimes.

So just remember mera pyaar wagon R... and next time you see a girl driving a golden Wagon R speeding up to the limit and listening to the songs with highest decibel possible remember she is the girl who loves her wagon R. :)

P.S. -- would write about times of trouble and Wagon - R soon

I was in class 7th and my chemistry teacher was trying hard to teach us the concept of Void in solid matters. She used all types of colorful chalks available to make the picture more clearer (yes i m the gen of 80's and we didn't have white boards in our class) but trust me the topic is more clearer  now and that too not in solid matters but in every aspect of life.

After I left school and moved to college I felt a great void in my life... I was missing everything about my school even though school is one part of my life which even if given a chance i would never ever go back to but still when I left it the nostalgia and the association of 12 years was pulling me back. I remember my first week in college I just wanted to turn back time and be in my school and that was the point when it hit me ,what I was actually feeling at that time was Void ... because no matter how good my college was and no matter how good it eventually became I still pined for my School.

As the life in college progressed... School became a thing of past and I was actually happy that part of my life was over..I didn't really care about my school life anymore all I cared about was the new friends, new found freedom and new subjects. Life was simple and carefree.. getting up in the morning boarding the bus, contemplating between attending and bunking lectures , sitting in the canteen for endless hours and discussing all kind of nonsense and finally coming back to home after such a day full of hard work. When the four years of college came to an end..  and it was the final time to decide between further career option... again that feeling of void was coming up and the nostalgia was fusing over.

When I entered my PG college first time and being a hosteler for the very first time ... I was pining for my old college &  my home more then anything and like a baby i even cried on the very first day and again the only thing that i wanted to do was turn back time... but within a day or two that was the place which i felt most familiar with... I met my best friends of life over there.. it was the place where i actually grew up..  and it was the place which taught me all the valuable lessons in life... I met a different set of people .. and when you are surrounded by almost 50 gals under one roof then trust me its a gala time that a gal can ask for... we discussed almost everything that was under the sun.. ex, current, future bfs, shoes, clothes, career, marriage, food..... almost everything. I no more cared about my grad college and my PG college and hostel was everything for me....

When i left my PG college and entered corporate... again I wanted to turn back time but now being a little more level headed and mature person that I was,  I realized midst all the ups and down that are part of life I learnt a big lesson in life even though in solid matters the void could never be filled up but when it comes to life all kinds of voids are eventually filled up and for those voids which aren't filled, after a point of time you really don't care about them anymore.... you just learn to accept and move on....

P.S. -- I have a different POV on void of broken heart.. will get back to that soon !!!!